Stand-up for me is usually a weekend thing. I go out of town and just do it.

We're not in an information age anymore. We're in the information management age.

Nerds get caught up in minutiae, because there is a tremendous and fulfilling sense of control in understanding every single detail of a thing more than any other living creature.

Bowling is all physics and energy distribution. It's F = ma. So it is actually one of the most science-y sports, because it literally is just a ball and a surface and objects to knock down.

When you hang around a lot of comedians long enough, you realize there's a certain gene, in every comedian. It's why we get hyper-analytical about things.

I do seem like the kind of guy who'd be obsessive about Rubik's Cubes.

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who's on a never-ending quest for improvement.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

I almost think of nerd brains as rattlesnake venom; like, you can milk it. You can milk the pulpy venom out of the nerd brain and use it for good if you want to.

Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.

I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult.

Just know that the achievement of anything grand takes consistent effort year after year. Motivation can uphold you intermittently, but it has too few calories to sustain a life.

I remember all the things we said we'd doAnd how not a single thing we said was true

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.

We're reviewing everything to see how we can do it better, faster, and more efficiently.

You must suggest to me reality---you can never show me reality.

Good intentions are wicked! As far as I can see, all they lead to are lies and delusions.

Hope deceives more men than cunning does.

The stuff I do and say onstage I can do easily. As a performer, that comes easily. But being social offstage, it's not easy for me.

With an endless assortment of children and animals living under one roof, there was always some absurd crisis that gave comic relief to my problems.

When you start to talk about comic books, a lot of the time, people forget about the comic part of it. They need to be funny.