See, you don't wanna be a Jew. Too much work--there's a lot of holidays but it's even more work. It's sanctioned oppression, it's God's tyranny.

Kids without dads are desperate and jealous. Those with dads can be uppity and sharp.

My ultimate authority would be the school librarian Mrs. Greenbacher.

Though men are apt to flatter and exalt themselves with their great achievements, yet these are, in truth, very often owing not so much to design as chance.

Maturity is perseverance-the ability to sweat out a project or a situation, in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging setbacks, and stick with it until it is finished.

I dream a lot about football and a lot of them have come true for me.

Capitalism created the possibility of employment.

Immortal is the moment when I engendered the recurrence. For the sake of this moment I bear the recurrence.

The music critic, Huneber, could never quite make up his mind about a new symphony until he had seen the composer's mistress.

It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

Find your way with the certain and gentle light of forgiveness.

I just want to keep learning.