Please, with the God talk. Hate to break it to you, but there is no God.

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

I will never vote Democrat again, they are Communists.

Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

Talent is what drives this world ... Doesn’t matter how many satellites you f---ing stick in the air.

I think I could create a cult, no problem. The hard part is getting people to kill themselves.

I'm down with just the Backstreet Boys.

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

I've always been about honesty, whether on the radio, whether I did a movie, whether I wrote a book. As long as you're honest, you don't lose your edge.

You've got to be a little vicious. You've got to be narcissistic. You've got to be on fire about your career.

There is no elevator to success to have to take the stairs.

What are you worried about, Burke?""You, me, fall, friends, college, life. Nothing big.

The Lord taught me to love everybody, but the last ones I learned to love were the sportswriters.

Guilt is about something you do. Shame is about who you are.

We've been talking about this for a good while, the immorality of drones, dropping bombs on innocent people. It's been over 200 children so far. These are war crimes.

... it's vastly more irksome to give up one's own way, than to hear a few impertinent remarks.

Each morning, we return from the dream soul trying to adjust to the day world, that moment when the two souls exchange places in the driver’s seat.

I've grown tired of traveling alone, won't you ride with me?

If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza.

When I got to Hollywood, at first I couldn't get a lot of jobs. So I grew a beard and look like a really bad Arab, and I started to get a lot of work because that's what they want.