Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.

Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habit.

Those who are right do not argue. Those who argue are not right.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.

One who believes in himself has no need to convince others.

He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.

In order to eliminate the negative influences, simply ignore them.

Let your workings remain a mystery. Just show people the results.

The leader is a teacher who succeeds without taking credit. And, because credit is not taken, credit is received.

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

At around 19 I realized that I really didn't have any skills other than making people laugh, so I should probably pursue it full-time.

I don't care about the fact that a dogs place is not in a bed - the closer they are to me, the more beautiful it is.

You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules.

"My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is they never wink back." It's kind of the perfect joke because it's a bait and switch.

The difference between a 20-something and a 30-something man? Wisdom. At 20 years old, we dont really get how sensitive and beautiful women are. By 30, were finally starting to learn.

No one honest has an easy life, and its aching for one that causes the most pain.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

I'd vowed years ago to go to the grave the same way I'd been born, just a lot more wrinkly.

On an otherwise normal Tuesday evening I had the chance to live the American Dream. I was able to throw my incompetent jackass of a boss from a fourteenth-story window.