Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Faith is a sacred fruit.

I don't think everybody wanted to be on [new Star Trek series] . I certainly didn't.

One can do such lovely things with so little. Subjects that are too beautiful end by appearing theatrical.

What we aspire to be is more than what we are yet less than what we are capable of.

Just do what's right for the customer, and you'll be okay.

I am careful about my conduct because I know this cause requires clean men.

I don't like the idea that fame could mean that people can no longer relate to me.

For each book, I do end up making a kind of playlist to fit the characters.

Reagan Republicans do not criticize the other Republicans.

We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us.