Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.

I think a challenge for myself is to see how many times I can get above 9,000. That would be a good challenge.

As virtue is necessary in a republic, and honor in a monarchy, fear is what is required in a despotism. As for virtue, it is not at all necessary, and honor would be dangerous there.

I’m not going anywhere near a motel with you.

If everyone is a changemaker, there's no way a problem can outrun a solution

nations decay from within more often than they surrender to outward assault.

When it comes to having a central nervous system, and the ability to feel pain, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.

I was surrounded by jerks. I'm not kidding.

The sage is one with the world, and lives in harmony with it.

She had eyes like strange sins.