It would've been amazing [to work as programmer]. You're good at numbers, you're good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Is everything forbidden us except to fold our arms? Poverty is not written in the stars

Follow the advice of those that lead by example, instead of those lost in the norms.

I don't lose any sleep at night over the potential for failure. I cannot even spell the word.

No one can escape stress, but you can learn to cope with it. Practice positive thinking. . . seize control in small ways.

Music journalists love Elvis Costello and hate me because they look like Elvis Costello

If you are going to keep company with me, don't embarrass me.

There are wonderful museums with lots of photographs of 1920's musicals.

What began it all was the bright bone of a dream I could hardly hold onto.

Who knows how dead Lazarus was? Was Lazarus decomposing in a six-foot grave when Jesus resurrected him? No, he wasn't.

We are and we know we are and we love to be it and know it.