If God rewards us on earth for good deeds—the Old Testament suggests it’s so, and the Puritans certainly believed it—then maybe Satan rewards us for evil ones.

Life is fair. We all get the same nine-month shake in the box, and then the dice roll. Some people get a run of sevens. Some people, unfortunately, get snake-eyes. Its just how the world is.

Twas something else. I had come to hate her, you see. I had come to wish her dead, and that was what held me back.

It was really amazing the number of hard hits from which a mind could recover.

If you're going into a very dark place, then you should take a bright light, and shine it on everything. If you don't want to see, why in God's name would you dare the dark at all?

He supposed that even in Hell, people got an occasional sip of water, if only so they could appreciate the full horror of unrequited thirst when it set in again.

Sometimes the only thing to do is to take the thing that you must have. Even if someone gets hurt.

A successful marriage was a balancing act-that was a thing everyone knew. A successful marriage was also dependent on a high tolerance for irritation.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

When teenagers aren’t turning like weathervanes in a high wind, they’re as stiff as Puritans.

We all remember people the way we want to remember them.

animals never worry about Heaven or Hell. neither do I. maybe that's why we get along

Ordinances and covenants become our credentials for admission into His presence. To worthily receive them is the quest of a lifetime; to keep them thereafter is the challenge of mortality.

The best way to avoid danger is to meet it plump.

The Olivet Discourse is not about the Second Coming of Christ. It is a prophecy of the destruction of Jerusalem in A.D. 70.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

For me, I see filmmaking as art.

Determination becomes obsession and then it becomes all that matters.

One of the blessings and curses of my life is that I carry so many projects at the same time.

All that grave weight of America Cancelled! Like Greece and Rome. The future in ruins!