I think it's a Pew survey of Millennials, and the first one is that more and more Millennial-aged women are ashamed and embarrassed that they earn more than their husbands or boyfriends.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.

Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the ballot box.

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists - we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

End results that work that don’t involve government threaten liberals.

You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.

Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs are biodegradable! Do you know what isn't biodegradable? Paper!

I think cigars are just a tremendous addition to the enjoyment of life.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

In a country of children where the option is Santa Claus or work, what wins?

I never can love you deep enough or long enough to satisfy me.

Alcohol's been keeping depression alive and well for over ten thousand years.

Most of things in life are two way, like sometimes, there are tears of happiness too.

I regret that I stayed in my first relationship for too long. I didn't get that it wasn't working out.

The radio was my big influence. Comedy came from the instinctual feel I had for language.

I wake up in the morning and sometimes I just want to wear a T-shirt and blue jeans and now I have to force myself to do that, because I can't care what people think, you know?

The profession of letters is, after all, the only one in which one can make no money without being ridiculous.

The War on Terror is one of the most critical national security efforts in our history.

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.