I'm not a flag waver for obesity. It's not healthy, and you have a crap life because there is such a downer on it.

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

No matter what your history has been, your destiny is what you create today. What are you going to create?

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Who had deceived thee so often as thyself?

I don't believe any pair of people had been more removed physically from the rest of the world than we were.

To come up short when you reach too far is not such a bad thing rather than not to reach at all, right?

Our sins are more easily remembered than our good deeds.

You can look back at anything and wish you'd done something differently.

That's the thing about life; everything feels so permanent, but you can disappear in an instant.

You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again.

If the players go Christmas shopping, it's not ideal preparation. It may sound silly, but having to fight off the crowds in a busy shopping centre or having people visit can be demanding.