I look like Julian Clary on steroids.

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.

I somehow make it through the first month. I dress and brush my teeth when they tell me to. And I experience the hollow feeling of complete loss, which is emptiness.

I was born in the age of "alas".

I have a rescue dog named Fideo, which means 'noodle' in Spanish, and a cat named Hutch.

Walt Disney believed in himself instead of worrying what others were saying.

A politician thinks about the next elections - the statesman thinks about the next generations.

I will say that the prison regime is rather a good one for a writer because you have plenty of time to write.

When it comes to playoff time, I pull the energy and the motivation.

When you start writing about the stuff that is the central experience of your own life, you can talk about whatever you want, in whatever way you want.

The expense of a war could be paid in time; but the expense of opium, when once the habit is formed, will only increase with time.