I find it hard to understand why Scorsese has never called. You know, given the natural menace I bring to the screen.

Basically, my life is so boring, it's embarrassing.

You know everyone loves to be the villain.

My grandmother was utterly convinced I'd wind up as the Archbishop of Canterbury. And, to be honest, I've never entirely ruled it out.

I just don't believe in love at first sight any more, even though I've based my whole career on the concept.

I'm a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.

Now [after doing Pilates], I have muscles of steel and could easily deal with giving birth.

I cling to the fantasy that I could have done something more creative. Like actually writing a script, or writing a book. But the awful truth is that I... probably can't!

The only reason my work seems to be eclectic up to a certain period is because I was a failure as an actor.

There is space in the supermarket shelf for all of us.

But when you're a celebrity, you discover that you're no longer the pursuer, but the one being pursued. That's one of the disappointments I have had since becoming a single man.

The odds are stacked against us until we realize: We make the odds.

To be the greatest

Isn't it amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?

I have no education, I have no academic background in painting or in music, but I write music and I compose music and I write and I sell paintings, and my rule is, well, they can't arrest me.

I have to go out for lunch and dinner because I can't cook. I need a woman to come and save me from my cooking.

Every secret gets known to the world.

I told the caterer I'd work for nothing if he'd teach me about catering. I lasted one week full-time. It was exhausting.

[The] emperor of the West, the feeble and dissolute Valentinian, [had] reached his thirty-fifth year without attaining the age of reason or courage.

We've gotten to the point now where Republicans and Democrats have nothing in common besides being members of the 'caustic caucus,' and we can't get anything done.

I'm just getting settled as a responsible man - but if you split the elephant into little mouthfuls it will be fine.