I don't think there's one thing I've ever said on the radio that would have been found indecent or obscene.

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

I will never vote Democrat again, they are Communists.

Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

Talent is what drives this world ... Doesn’t matter how many satellites you f---ing stick in the air.

I think I could create a cult, no problem. The hard part is getting people to kill themselves.

I'm down with just the Backstreet Boys.

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

I've always been about honesty, whether on the radio, whether I did a movie, whether I wrote a book. As long as you're honest, you don't lose your edge.

You've got to be a little vicious. You've got to be narcissistic. You've got to be on fire about your career.

We look at the Ark of the Covenant and remember who we are.

I was kind of a wild child. I wasn't taught the niceties of life.

War is never a solution; it is an aggravation.

The most difficult thing to read is time. Maybe because it changes so many things.

The Apologizer Bunny keeps going and going and going.

Anyone who has crossed from the district of Bolkhov into that of Zhizdra will probably have been struck by the sharp difference between the natives of the provinces of Orel and Kaluga.

The purpose of road traffic is speed, not safety.

I love seeing someone else's health improve.

You don't need anything but your own two legs to run. You don't even need shoes, according to some people.

If someone asks me where I bought something I’m wearing, I will usually say I don’t remember.