I am skeptical in principle, gullible in practice.

Pain narrows consciousness; pleasure blurs it.

When Medusa looks in the mirror, she sees the Lady of Sorrows.

My passions have never jumped out of the fireplace and set fire to the carpet.

Retirement requires the invention of a new hedonism, not a return to the hedonism of youth

The sewing machine joins what the scissors have cut asunder, plus whatever else comes in its path.

Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story.

The laughter of the aphorism is sometimes triumphant, but seldom carefree.

'Be faithful to your roots' is the liberal version of 'Stay in your ghetto.'

Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: getting out of bed.

Totem poles and wooden masks no longer suggest tribal villages but fashionable drawing rooms in New York and Paris.

Life baffles me most days. Maybe that's why I write. To try and make sense of it all.

Touch of Ability with Action can never be lost in the journey of life.

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

My songs are like my children. I love every single one of them.

He's an American, qualified to play for Wales because he has a Welsh grandmother, who was on the bench against Switzerland.

It is not that people are evil or greedy. The conditions that socially support the system force us to behave in socially offensive ways.

I find folding laundry very relaxing.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

Much better than the feeling of having things is the feeling of having earned things.

War begets quiet, quiet idleness, idleness disorder, disorder ruin; likewise ruin order, order virtue, virtue glory, and good fortune.