Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be president.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Your mind is the most powerful magnet. What you think, you attract.

Once you get to naming your laptop, you know that you're really having a deep relationship with it.

My music is about a joyful experience. I've learned that if you can affect other people, you should.

Yes, there's a lot of the blues in my playing.

I actually enjoy comedy; it's a lot of fun.

every short story is an experiment - what one must ask is not only, did it come off, but was it, as an experiment, worth making?

People weep at music all the time, because music gives form to some abstract level of integration.

I know now that it's really important to feel beautiful. There is a power to that.

We must nurture tolerance, collective wisdom, and democracy.

Congress seems drugged and inert most of the time... its idea of meeting a problem is to hold hearings or, in extreme cases, to appoint a commission.