Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

It takes a week to write a book, but it takes years to write a good one.

I remember my dad working with me on breaking down my script and writing out a back story for my character and all that stuff.

I'm one of those religious people who are afraid of everything. I'm instantly worried about everything that could go wrong.

The first day of the rest of my life, and I’m not sure I want to be here. I know I should be thanking somebody for this, but I really don’t feel like it. Instead, I wish they hadn’t bothered.

One man's death: that is a catastrophe. A hundred thousand dead: that is a statistic

I love playing characters who are opposite of who I am.

They, then, who are destined to die, need not be careful to inquire what death they are to die, but into what place death will usher them.

She'd fallen into the best part of her past.

When they bury me in a church and chuck earth on my grave, I'd like the words 'Well, at least he tried' engraved on my tombstone.

Two years work wasted, I have been breeding those flies for all that time and I've got nothing out of it.