Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Heartache makesfor good poetry, heartburnnot so much.

To succeed, you will soon learn, as I did, the importance of a solid foundation in the basics of education - literacy, both verbal and numerical, and communication skills.

The art of conversation is to be prompt without being stubborn, to refute without argument, and to clothe great matters in a motley garb.

It's just like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!.

It seemed ironic that Lowell Levine and I,who were both Jewish, were going over toidentify the remains of a man who was soanti-Semitic.

What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.

The essentials are to learn to shape God with forethought, care, and work; to educate and benefit their community, their families and themselves; and to contribute to the fulfillment of the Destiny.

Democracies are not very stable.

If it is raining out, do not walk fast, because it is raining everywhere.

The worst of all fears is the fear of living