Every time I get scared or feel like I'm not going to be good enough at something, I say that mantra to myself. "Pretend you're good at it."

In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.

Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life.

[On acupuncture:] The needles are small and won't hurt at all. In fact, they'll feel good. Ha, ha! Just kidding. They feel like needles. Because they are.

When Hailey was born my first thought was that I needed a drink and that hospitals should have bars in them.

So many of us feel like we're misfits until we finally find our tribe - the other people who are are strange in the same way - and suddenly everything clicks.

It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long.

But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

High School Is Life’s Way of Giving You a Record Low to Judge the Rest of Your Life By)

Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.

I reserve magick for necessities, a bit like the good china. It has a time and a place, but eating peanut butter sandwiches off it each morning chips and devalues it.

The prosaic fact of the universe's existence alone defeats both the pragmatist and the romantic.

The Devil's boots don't creak.

To understand what the outside of an aquarium looks like, it's better not to be a fish.

Don't tell people you are broke. Guilting fans into buying your music never works.

I'll be selling tickets for my next tour exclusively through Jonah Lehrer. Make sure to pay cash.

There are no dumb male questions. There are dumb males, but not dumb male questions.

I have always thought of sophistication as rather a feeble substitute for decadence.

The idea of the show is that it's active and that children will become involved and watch the show, but also participate in the show. And I didn't know if that would work.

Conservatives should be adamant about the need for the reappearance of Judeo-Christianity in the public square.