Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Your grief is something to be admired – the pain of severance. A scar where something used to be.

One does not need to be a good fighter to put up a good fight.

And I think that's important to know how the water's gone over the dam before you start to describe it. It helps to have been over the dam yourself.

I lack what the English call character, by which they mean the power to refrain.

Reading keeps me sane. Growing up, it was my scape, my alternative; it provided both rebellion and peace.

As I get older and I get more of this dialogue and I lose more and more brain cells, it really does become the most difficult part of the job!

You didn't understand or care to know, you get your education from your lovers.

A lot of people have dreams and never do anything about them. When you have ideas and dreams, you do something about it.

Britain cherishes her eccentrics and wisely holds that the function of government is to build a walled garden in which anarchy can flourish.

Sometimes the nicest thing to do with a guitar is just look at it.