Another bad thing about "prosperity" is that you can't jingle any money without being under suspicion

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Fear hurries on my tongue through want of courage.

In one-act pieces there should be only rubbish - that is their strength.

The relationships I've had with my girl friends are so powerful and meaningful. Without them I truly don't know what I'd do.

I didn't just invent saying offensive things.

I love to play bid whist as much as I love football.

Imagination is the hotbed where this sin is too often hatched. Guard your thoughts, and there will be little fear about your actions.

I kept getting high to kill my shame at the fact that I kept getting high.

Though God may be Love, God is Truth above all.

You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor, and I can make a...

Everybody has a different definition of the good side.