All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Most of the students there, he said, don't know what they think. You tell 'em, they'll think it. I plan to tell 'em.

. . .the young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God.

And when he broke, it was a miracle he managed to find all the pieces of himself again.

Hold your head high stick your chest out. You can make it. It gets dark sometimes but morning comes. ... Keep hope alive.

Human curiosity, the urge to know, is a powerful force and is perhaps the best secret weapon of all in the struggle to unravel the workings of the natural world.

We systematically overestimate the value of access to information and underestimate the value of access to each other.

Wide acceptance of an idea is not proof of its validity.

The people of Liberia know what it means to be deprived of clean water. But we also know what it means to see our children begin to smile again, with a restoration of hope and faith in the future.

Paper money has had the effect in your State that it ever will have, to ruin commerce, oppress the honest, and open a door to every species of fraud and injustice.

You gotta have fun. Even now we have fun onstage.