A period is just the beginning of a lifelong sentence

Don't think of it as wrinkles. Think of ot as relaxed-fit skin.

You can never be too paranoid.

What women look for in a man: Breathing, IQ over 80, weight under 550 pounds, fewer than six ex-wives. What men look for in a woman: Pia Zadora as she was ten years ago.

Sweep the board with Cosmic Ordering Success.

As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.

Forgiveness means letting go of the past.

The day after the darkest hour is always the most beautiful.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

Legislation can neither be wise nor just which seeks the welfare of a single interest at the expense and to the injury of many and varied interests.

All I can go on is my own value system.

When I'm not acting, I'm at the beach. I like to spend a lot of time in the water, surfing.

It’s almost always sadder to stay than to depart

I have allowed the president to pick his political appointees…But I will not sit quietly and let him shred the Constitution.