Humorous Quotes

He downed the last of his coffee, carried his mug over to the pot, poured himself a refill, and returned to the

I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death.

Does my grandma count as a bodyguard?

My bullshit metre is reading that as false'.

So the world was nuts and he'd suddenly discovered a kink for geeks. There were worse things.

For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up.

Pardon me Mam, I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

We nearly had our asses handed to us in a sling by a bunny rabbit?

If at first you don't succeed, try to eat a big lunch and take a nap...er wait, no... #badadvice

The sun came out the next day, which it had no right to do.

So we waited. I felt useless. I felt like I was in the way. I wished I had some nervous habits so I could indulge in them.

A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a good supply of hand wipes in her bag.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.

When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow.

I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.

Everyone knows he's crazier than a shaved mule in a toboggan race.

Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed.

Chyna Shepherd, untouched and alive and able to pee.

...hoping that he might peek through a gap in the fance and see that Patch was really a big softy, all bark and no bite, or, as they sometimes say in England, "All mouth and no trousers"!

With sunglasses, a hat, and half a pack of Band-Aids, Roger could pass as a human.

One of the things I love about labeling myself as an author is that I can read books and call it "researching writing styles."--Mike Mankoff

It is a mistake, " Labruyère tells us, "to be in love without an ample fortune.

If we take the president of GM, they'll make us pay to give him back." (said by a kidnapper)

If you don't succeed the first time - you're about average

Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

Ish #109 "If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.

SHUT UP!...PADLE!

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

You learn to smile even in you liver?''Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.

You were listening at the door, Gigi!""No, Grandmamma.""Yes, you had your ear to the keyhole. You must never listen at key-holes. You don't hear properly and so you get things all wrong.

Webster said, ''Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do.

Every so often an author comes along and changes the world. I am not that author!

Don't that make your bosom plim?

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

Sell your book like a can of beans & your readers will place the same value on it.

You know what I could use? A thrill.

Real life... Witches: Wiccan practitioners. Werewolves: rare strain of rabies. Zombies: Prions/Plague. Vampires: Hemophilia/Porphyria

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

Poisons are more my thing

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.

I just tripped over a pair of shoes and almost fell down and broke my neck and no I wasn't wearing them.

Lunar Eclipse doesn't that sound like a car you can only drive at night?

This has always bothered me. If "Change" is the only constant how can we have absolutes?

Lots of ways to have your steak "Well done, medium rare, rare, bloody or fetch me a club".

If I could out run the Angel of Death I'd probably die from lack of breath!

I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said "do you want to lay on the couch' I said "Where's your clip board?

If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life.

[Like they say, ] small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.