Humorous Quotes

Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.

Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?""Yes, but I told him to put his pants back on and go home.

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

Oh hell. They've got Mrs B in a bag!

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).

I would so rock at running amuck.

Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, "Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too.

It may have been observed that there is no regular path for getting outof love as there is for getting in. Some people look upon marriage as ashort cut that way, but it has been known to fail.

I mean you ACRES of harm, ' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.

Just Echo.

SHUT UP!...PADDLE!

Worry:Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Sorry. Sometimes my mouth engages before making contact with my brain.

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.

One of our professors described a lecture as 'a mystical process by which the notes on the pad of the lecturer pass on to the pad of the student, without passing through the mind of either'.

I've admired a lot of people in my life time and some of them were actually alive.

I stamped, certified, and lipsticked my life in a package sent through Priority Mail directly to the devil herself...and there's no turning back.

Jewish vampires: Crosses & holy water won’t hurt me whatcha gonna try next?

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That’s my motto.

Borman's dumping urine. Urine [in] approximately one minute." Two lines further along, we see Lovell saying, "What a sight to behold!

Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD, ’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?

Wow, ” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.

Try again. No no no, eyes up, eyes up! When you bow to someone you look at them, not at the floor. Don't look at her in the eye though lad, that's rude. And not THERE, either.

No one could honestly say that a musical makes sense.

Shut up, you fool...Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.

Shut up, Arthur, ' said my mother, and he zipped his mouth shut like an infuriating child.Ginger started to laugh. Not at anything in particular, but just because Ginger was stoned.

It was a hot, moist armpit of a night...

I'd much rather have a brain of my own than be popular.

Now, tomorrow Miss Laurie McCrae and me, we have an appointment with a sky pilot who will make it proper for us to travel in double harness.

She batted thoseeyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.

I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!

Apollo wanted out. Out of Aphrodite, out of this bathroom, out of this house, and out of this life.

True...I hear voices in my head keep talking to me. The good thing for now is...I never answer them back.

There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?""First I need a virgin.

who me?"anita blake seriesby: Laurell K Hamilton

But if anyoneso much as threatened them because of what Kaiahad once done, she would turn the Slumber PartyMassacre into Blood, Bath and Beyond, adocumentary by Kaia Skyhawk.

Magnanimous of you.'His mouth twitched. 'Mmm. Use more words like that, please. Schoolmistress words. Long, impressive ones.' He'd made the last three words sound like an innuendo.

What's with that?” Butters screamed, his voice high and frightened. “Just covering his head with his arms? Didn't he see the lawyer in the movie?

I knew there was something peculiar about you, " she said. "And I mean that as the highest compliment." I'd always known I was strange. I never dreamed I was peculiar.

There was not a lot of room for someone like me, who kept the gossip mill running like a hamster wheel.

When someone says "just saying" what they really mean is, "You would be a colossal idiot to not take my advice." (on Facebook)

Switzerland is only bearable covered with snow, " Aunt Augusta said, "like some people are only bearable under a sheet.

Jewish vampires: We turn into cats not bats bwaaahaha

Trust me, I write fiction.

Wakey wakey eggs and bacey!

Jewish vampires: Garlic? As a weapon? No its a spice silly human

Anything else, Your Majesty?" "I didn't say my prayers." "I'll say them for you. Our father who art in et cetera, bless all the rotten cousins and kill Jenny. Amen.

Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: "Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.