Humor Quotes

From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails

Never take advice about never taking advice. That is an old vice of men - to dish it out without being able to take it - the blind leading the blind into more blindness.

History has rewritten itself so many times I'm not really sure how it was to begin with -- it's a bit like trying to guess the original color of a wall when it's been repainted eight times.

Just a little off the top!"- A. Boleyn

Thinking is the most overrated human activity.

In his opinion, working was vastly overrated. Particularly as a way to build character, for everyone who engaged in it was far too snappish and fussy, and seemed to have no manners at all.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

I gave up on cussing - I'd run out of words filthy enough - and just started praying.

Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.

It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

Oh, I can't help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

I'd love to...but only with you.

In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.

The heart has a heart of its own.

I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself.

I see the world, it makes me puke, But then I look at you and know, that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me.

My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.

It's so shameful of me: I like you.

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out - Thank you, drop dead!

One of Renee's friends asked her, "Does your boyfriend wear glasses?" She said, "No, he wears a Walkman.

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform...and so you think you can be rude to me.

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there's no one I can turn to with this love.

Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.

We hate it when our friends become successful.

You're not going to hear me singing songs about Wall Street because I don't know anything about that.

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

Restraining, saving, assuring your checkbook balance...what does all taht amount to? If I go broke one day I'll just take out loans

When did you suddenly become Mister Maturity?

It takes real planning to organize this kind of chaos.

No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!

Cery: So, Hem, tell me why I shouldn't see how many holes I need to make before you start leaking money?

Sarcasm, as it turned out--even when it was instinctive and quick--cut into the time one had to manufacture one's escape.

My father always said that government is like watching another man piss in your boot. Someone feels better but it certainly isn't you.

If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager

Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

There wasn't a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, "May your day be full of angry dragons" or, "May every dragon you meet today be pissed off." But, there should have been.

Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn't get to live it very often.

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Sometimes, though, you have to do things for family, even if you'd rather not.

You can't force folks to have good sense, even if they're family. Maybe especially then.

Preston, I don't think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me.

Or -- and this she knew was a far more accurate way of looking at it -- the book was true and reality was lying.

[I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period.

Don't you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That's why they're so smart. Their brains had longer to develop.

Children in the abstract, had never appealed to me. They seemed to be loud creatures, often dripping some form of goo.

Fiction wouldn't be much fun without its fair share of scoundrels, and they have to live somewhere.