Humor Quotes

I really am happy for Kiley. And for you and every other happily married lady. Except for that I'm not happy for you. I kind of want you all to drop dead.

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

Some men can love forever, some for six years, some for six months, and others for six hours.

There's nothing more aggravating in the world than the midnight sniffling of the person you've decided to hate.

When boy likes you, you say no thank you. You don't kick him on the ground.

Did I hear God call me an idiot?

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does.

He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.

He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

People as a rule do mean much more than they understand.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office.

Great. I'd been dumped in Hell's waiting room.

You look like the vamp who bled the cat.

She was not sorry. And if it was the wine telling her that, then she would tell the wine the same thing tomorrow. She was not sorry.

It's about time! It's supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

I tried to think of something to say. Excuse me? Hello? Marry me? Anything would have done.

My God, Jack - with a look like that, you two should just get a room. And try not to pick the one with a dead body next to it this time.

Was this some new level of depravity? Had he developed a spinster fetish?

[Bobby Tom] finally understood Gracie's function in his life. She was God's joke on him.

How could you fall in love with a three inch worm?

We've been wed more than a month. Since it appears you mean to stay, I might as well give you leave to call me by my christian name. It is preferable, at any rate, to 'clodpole.

Madelyne, we're married now. 'Tis a usual occurrence to bed one's wife on the wedding night.

You're taller than I am, but I'm stronger, and meaner right this minute than you could ever imagine" - Lady Madelyne.

Nobody with any real sense of humor *can* write a love story. . . . Shakespeare is the exception that proves the rule. (90-91)

There ain't a man in the world cares about a woman's past until he's thinking of her in his future.

I chose the path less traveled but only because I was lost. Carry a map. - Phoebe Traeger

I deciced if I were ever to get into booze and women, my line would be, 'Excuse me, madam, but I would really love to bed and muss you. . . . Are you perchance free this evening?

I've loved him for a decade. And I had him for one day before I made a complete and utter mess of things. Or he did. I'm still not sure about that.

Are you telling me you're cooking me dinner?- Regan Its the quickest way, without physical contact, to get a woman into bed. The kitchen through there?

One of the best lovers in Hollywood. What would a title like that encompass exactly? she wondered. Technique? Enthusiasm? Or was it more about equipment?

To conquer fear, you must become fear.

Men die. It's practically what they're for.

The dead know everything but they don't give a damn.

Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable.

An eye for an eye my friend.

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom.

My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb.

Well, I always did want to go out in a Braveheart kind of way. I'll just have to think of something cool to yell before they cut my head off.

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

What can I say? I prefer to die well informed.

Knackered inmates are easier to control than pumped-up ones. And dead inmates are even easier to control, if you follow me.

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours.

I say the same thing about the death of James Wait. "Oh, well -- he wasn't going to write the Beethoven's Ninth Symphony anyway.

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?