Humor Quotes

We are gods with anuses.

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!

And by golly, love sure was a battlefield. Benatar was right about that.

Rich children are always blond, Jocelyn goes. It has to do with vitamins.

Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it's cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.

Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'?

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.

And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.

Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.

Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. “Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The dead are way more organized than the living.

And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.

Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Harry, we saw Uranus up close!” said Ron, still giggling feebly. “Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —

God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)

Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.

Hunky Heroes, rescuing distressed women, captive princesses, and girls without wheels since 1684. p. 450

We scarified a mosquito. I bet that's what did it. It was probably a virgin too.

Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder

Kitty need's a tounge bath

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

Have you met the French? My...GOD they know how to party!

Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?

It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?

He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn't have any muscles).

Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.

Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.

Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time.

All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much.

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

And, drunk with my own madness, I shouted at him furiously, "Make life beautiful! Make life beautiful!

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

the Real-World was a sprawling mess of a book in need of a good editor.

Godshawk looked surprised, the way that people generally do when you ask them philosophical questions in shrubberies in the middle of the night.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

A loud smile is often a fake laugh.

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair.

I shouldn't believe anything I say, if I were you-and that includes what I just told you.