Humor Quotes

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

...truly loving someone is making that person happy even if you’re not the reason behind it.

Kyle clapped his hands together. “Goody! The Zoe dates back some 3000 years to when the Greek gods ruled.”“Who’s Zoe?” I interjected.Kyle huffed. “It’s not a who, it’s a what.

Have some carrots. They're good for your eyes.""Then you have some fries. They're good for your... I don't know. They're just good.

Matt is a tortured soul, ' Amanda insisted. 'He's Heathcliff and you're Cathy. He's Rochester and you're Jane Eyre. He's-''Darcy and I'm Elizabeth. I get it. And you're wrong.

Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels.

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

I've always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.

hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')

Alice is fictional. This isn't.

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

Oh, I don’t mean to infer that you’re not a great guy. I’m sure you’re the exception to the rule.

I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, "I can see relationships!!!

Akthent on thee latht thyllable.

Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent.

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach's Air on the G string.

Now we go in and take over, " answered A. "It's our duty to help these people.

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

I denounce the do-gooders, the feel-gooders, the “activist clubs, ” and anyone else who makes people feel like the problem is being taken care of. Trust me. The problem is not being taken care of.

[An] explanation that was simply in the best traditions of female logic:"I don't know why, but I want it, so you need to give me that expensive thing.

When it comes to assassination, execution is everything.

History repeats, again.

The madrigore of verjuice must be talthibianised.

Get some sleep, Secretary General, get some sleep. Revolution can wait till the morning.

If you are against abortions, don't have one.

The burden is on the sane.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him-her your plan

I write humor as it's pretty much the only thing keeping me out of an asylum.

Proceed with caution when you befriend a writer, for if you fall out of their good graces they have the delightful capability of doing any number of dastardly things to you upon the written page.

A good joke doesn’t necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one’s own deserving jokes.

...Mrs. Percy understood that staying beautiful all day long is the most important aspect of being married...

Would you like to try some cocaine?” Freud offered, “I think you will find it picks you up quite nicely.”“No thanks, ” God declined, holding his soft hands up to show his resistance.

If you do it in the bookies, it's a bet. . . . If you pay some 23-year-old in an Armani suit two hundred grand to go to the window for you, it's a derivative.

There may come a day when internet comments sections are deemed, for the good of humanity and the sanity of civilization in general, to be a form of biohazard or metaphysical catastrophe.

When things in the country are in the pits, start a war with somebody.

An evergreen flower is never scared of the upcoming fall.

Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed?Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara’s Bush! From 'Walk On By II

My only regret is that I don't have more to regret.

Have a little sociological beano. As you said - in sociology one can do anything and call it work.

Well, really, how would you like to make love with someone who kept twittering about his pure mystic modality and wanted to stick flowers in your navel?

I don't do 'black music, ' I don't do 'white music'...I make fight music, for high school kids.

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn't mine by right!

Can’t say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery.

Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing in the world that he could do.

…he’d assumed their relationship would go on forever. It was going on now, but in another way, like the rearrangement of the stars, which were all still in the sky, just burning in unexpected places.

We just move on, don’t we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn’t go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him.

But this bus was a bit too full. The driver only appeared to control the glass and metal around him. In reality, he was at the nose of a travelling paroxysm.

My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.