Humor Quotes

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

Don't sound so surprised. I have sensible moments, you know.

If she hasn't learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it's not likely she will.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.

Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.

Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.

Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.

I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found, ” I said to the man searching my pants. “You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two.

Who the hell is that?!Some call her Satan. Others, Beelzebub. She goes by many names.

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

Is this the baby?" I said.Ma turned on me again."What do you think it is?" she said. "A midget that can't talk?

Right. That's twenty-two fifty.""Twenty-two fifty?" We can't hide our exasperation."Well, yeah - this is a classy joint, you know.""That's obvious - the service is incredible.

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.

I've given her signs! I've given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn?

You are a sick, sick man, ” I told him.“Thank you, ” Ben replied, looking modest.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.''And yet it is still extremely funny.

You might as well laugh at yourself, everyone else is.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Yeah, well, whoever wrote that was a friggin' idiot.

He sure told you off, huh, Icy?" ~Darcy

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire." Oberon

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of the FBI.

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked."Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.

They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.

I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line

I’m afraid to see a psychiatrist about the voices in my head. She might know who they are.

The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean.

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

The quickest way to get over something you loved and lost is to get another one.

The supernatural world was like an onion. You peel back the layers, only to find more layers, on and on, hopelessly trying to reach the mysterious core. Then you start crying.

Eventually, I manage to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes...

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.

The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.

The next my parents and Brianna come rollin' up in here, I'm gonna scream, "Hey! Why don't y'all just MOVE IN?!

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

I'm sure my parents must be proud. Or horrified. Or are bitterly arguing about whether they're proud or horrified, and have already hired lawyers to resolve the dispute. -Hayden Upchurch

You're being parental', I said. 'Go find that squid'.

Of course, to be fair, that was a parent's job. The world was so full of sharp bends that if they didn't put a few twists in you, you wouldn't stand a chance of fitting in.

But the aspect of secrets is they leak out. If they didn't leak, they wouldn't be interesting.

Why, if you only knew the secrets to which I'm p

No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with it.

They didn't just live with secrets. Secrecy surrounded their entire lives.

Because sometimes in life, Ken didn't always choose Barbie. (Jane Alcott)

Leave it to you to find a legal way to do something illegal (Candler)

E.L. James. Best damn author of our time, if you ask me. She really nailed it with that tampon scene. Pure enlightenment.

He could be doing quantum physics in his head or undressing her in his mind—she’d never know the difference.

He didn’t know what was hotter, her Star Wars reference or the breathiness with which she spoke it.

We all have our handicaps. You're not mine.

Well, I did tell you I couldn’t give you a thing. Maybe you’ve just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day!

Princess, the contents of your shoe closet would break the budgets of a lot of third world countries - Jake Malone