Humor Quotes

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

I wouldn't dignify it with the name immoral.

You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what’s happening on another planet, but not what’s going on inside the person next to you.

Were the stars against him? A woman's fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

We put our flags in soil when we arrive, as if it now belongs to us and we know where we are.

The world is indeed a cold, hard stone.

The emotion was the most important thing.

Not again, Draper, " Frank sighed. "You're not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the Government does even more poorly than provide healthcare is secure its borders.

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.

terrorism n.Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state's monopoly on political violence.

conservative n.A person who possesses an underdeveloped taste for tyranny.liberal n.A person who believes in liberty, but only for the state.

preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one's plot for world domination.

Back in our apartment, lights out, The Professor emerged from beneath the bed." - from "The Professor Spends the Night, " in issue 4 of Literary Orphans

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.

It takes a lot of wind to sail a leaky boat.

The past is an educational toy for the present. It should be discarded the moment its usefulness is outgrown.

Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.

What is the secret of life?’ I asked.‘I forget, ’ said Sandra.‘Protein, ’ the bartender declared. ‘They found something out about protein.‘‘Yeah, ’ said Sandra, ‘that’s it.

Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.

Obama's plan for "change": Let's do everything Bush did, only with more suck! Because it just didn't suck badly enough the first time!

Mother doesn't cook, Ignatius said dogmatically, She burns.

Excuse my dress. I was half an hour late this morning. When you lose half an hour in this house, you never can pick it up again, try how you may. -Reverend Finch's wife

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother.

It had been six weeks since I brought my second child, my daughter, kicking and screaming into the world. Six weeks, that magic number men everywhere look forward to and women dread.

These days, “getting lucky” means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it’s still HOT!

One very important key to maintaining our daily sanity is a simple scheduling tactic I call Putting Things the Hell Off.

It's tough being AWESOME all the time, but the kids need someone to look up to!

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won’t march into a bin with the snap of my fingers.

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

No I didn't spell that wrong it's just the Canadian version

SciFi: When there's a serious problem and everyone decides to solve it sensibly.

I wondered what he would have thought if he'd known that I'd gleaned most of my information from reading historical romance novels.

When she shines we all bask in her happiness, but when the thunderstorms come in, let me warn you, find a faraway hiding hole." Dorothy Broadbelt, lady in waiting to Queen Elizabeth 1.

Yes, and you did it spectacularly. They were the best non words ever not spoken.

Helen likes Brussels sprouts. How can anyone trust her opinion?

I steal from the rich to give to myself.

What’s bosoms?” Cade asked.“You’ll find out when you get older, ” Jake said."A lot older, " Colt said.

The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God’s will just by breathing.

Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though.

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

The only working model of socialism I have ever seen is in an elementary school classroom.

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren't even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were "really there".

It's best to locate the mind first before launching the 'missiles of contention'.

The only difference between a prayer and a curse is the one who stands to profit.

Be not afraid life with all its despair, pain and unhappiness is just a crucible wherein your brighter dreams are conceived, shaped and born

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

It is logical to look for a green fowl in a dark room even if you know the chance of finding a green fowl in a dark room is slim.

Life is like a double-blind experiment. And the Observer is the only One in on the Know.