Humor Quotes

Would somebody please tell him whose idea it had been to kill the entire state of Colorado?

For appearances. Now there's a lovely thing to die for.

Think people really want to know what's out there?""Probably not. People don't know what they want, Evelyn, or life wouldn't suck

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir, ’ said Carrot'What, in Ankh-Morpork?’Yes, sir.’‘We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value

Whoosh! went the bluebird of sarcasm, zooming miles above Dale’s head.

Sir Mark Turner, " he said. "I speak with the tongues of a thousand angels. Butterflies follow me wherever I go. Birds sing when I take a breath.

Weapons master is giving me special lessons." she (Amily) chuckled. " He calls then How Not To Get Killed lessons.

Don’t worry, hero. If the vamp shows up, I’m here to protect you.”“Great, I can hide behind your massive ego.

I’ve been surrounded by nitwits my entire life.

It's better to shut a fool's mouth with sarcasm rather than cursing him back.

I've been trying to figure that out since I met him. I've had more luck trying to smell the color nine.

Any boy who'd love a sailboat-patterned, swimsuited sausage who tames rabid foxes would be wonderful. And impossible.

I’m fine, considering I can’t walk anymore, ” Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. “You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.

Uh, yeah - how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me.

While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops

MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. "Clients?""Yeah. You know, people who'll give us money in exchange for work.

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

I also don't turn into a bat or sparkle in the sun. Hollywood's portrayal of vampires is almost as accurate as its portrayal of prostitution in Pretty Woman.

Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it tobe one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughingbut the forces that be—given that they are even a wee bit human.

Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.

Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend.” - Laney

Because seeing someone’s heart ripped out, presumably for the first time, is something a person should accept naturally, like finding out there’s no Santa Clause.

With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country.

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.

worms have crawled up your nose and eaten your wits.

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?

Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows...

What time is it?”“One o'clock.”I nearly spit out some soda. “In theafternoon?”“No. In the morning. Don't let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies.

But nowhere in the file had anyone said, “Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.

Ah, Proph." Tom paused. "You did have a nightmare last night.""And here I thought maybe I dreamed it, " Prophet muttered sarcastically.

There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.

Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash

I'm financially ugly.

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.

We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.

A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.

She washed he hands, then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously."I've been rather busy, " I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night.

Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. "I'm sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it.

Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

Fine. Okay. I killed her. But I didn’t mean to. And I didn’t kill her, kill her.”“Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay.

That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace.

You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?"As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!

You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me.

What? You mean this crap shack isn't part of the Four Seasons. Shocking.