Humor Quotes

A project goal like a joke. If you have to explain it, it is not good / fun.

If you want to get a meaningful result: create something very complex, and then simplify it.

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

Divorce is an expensive punishment love gets when it fails

Relative poverty is when you have more taste than money.

All love is socioeconomic. It’s the gradients in status that make arousal possible.

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

It's not like the Middle Ages, when you had the Church and the aristocracy keeping everything nice and stagnant.

Dear Mrs. Black: On seven prior occasions this company has denied your claim in writing. We now deny it for the eighth and final time. You must be stupid, stupid stupid, stupid!

How long y' think it'll take t'git that wild streak out im?""Well, Brother Tiggins, that'll depend on how long he can weather the leather.

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ...

40Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error.

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

Thinking I'm a moron gives people something to feel smug about, " Charles Wallace said. "Why should I disillusion them?

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered.""What! How long has it been?""Five minutes. I got bored.

Could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again.

Maybe, ” he said in a slow, rural drawl, “you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy.” “Well, ” I said, “if you’re going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn’t it.

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun." "Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]

I'm working from the assumption it's going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we're calling it a win."Merit/Jonah

I hope you're not smoking in front of her, ' Lucia says to him.'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia, ' he says, irritated.

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

Who the hell calls at two in the morning?""Maybe it's Matt Wilde, confessing his love, " Lindsay says."Very funny,

You want me to spy on a National Colour operative?''Wow, ' she said, 'you got it. I thought I was going to have to explain that one for a lot longer.

Coincidences are like unicorns.you can believe in them all you want, but that doesn't make them real

Great, ' I said. 'Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically.

When all else fails...try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn't work...have another.

Well, what do you want me to do? Head butt my way through a few inches of steel?!” she snarled.“Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie!

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I'm definately an outsider. Hooray.

his mind's like Alcatraz. once something's in, it never gets out

The standard clauses of the American dream only included two weeks of vacation a year.

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I'm here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

it's a losing battle at this point, but so was the alamo

As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand."This makes me feel like a five-year-old, " I said, licking it off."If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they'd cut the crusts off?

I sighed and deleted the message, imagining the dirty clothes multiplying like rabbits, because that’s what they do when I’m not around.

Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

I can give you two words, " I tell him. "The second is off. Can you guess the first?

Everyone has bad days...'my Dear MIDDLE FINGER, Thanks for sticking up for me!

Poetry is a disease vector. Like malaria.

I'll only go if there's cake.~Tobias "Four

Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair.

If this is how you feel about a desert, I can't wait until you see your first real tree. Your mind will explode.

Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

You could heal him?" I asked, glancing at Hal."Could, " said the wysling, "but won't, until I get what's

How's Alison getting on?'Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time.

He told me and Rafe to stay put in case you came home, burn the note and get hot water and disinfectant and bandages rea

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir, ’ said Carrot‘What, in Ankh-Morpork?’‘Yes, sir.’‘We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value