Humor Quotes

Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people—

In a well-ordered universe...camping would take place indoors.

Finally! You're here!"Uh....Do I know you?"Well, no....But you're here, all the same...

‎"Sarge, mr. Nurd here is threatening to turn me to jelly.""really?" said Sarge. "what flavor?

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

Your boyfriend smells bad, says Sarah as she sniffs the armpit of the giant sweatshirt.All boys smell bad I say and she nods her head like we have just figured out something very important.

I have an idea for a new book. It's a novel about a beautiful yet sensitive author whose spirit is crushed by her domineering editor. Do you like it?

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts.

its better to get hurt now than to get hurt later.

JFK to RFK: To survive in politics, you sometimes have to be willing to make fun of yourself.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with ‘welcome’ written on it.

Plimpton was a presence. He looked for ways in which he could make himself ridiculous. That made him a great storyteller.

Ability to laugh at evil, to relativize symbols without dismissing them is usually a sign of a rather healthy person. Puritans and reformers can never laugh.

People with disabilities are sometimes very humble and approachable, if you want a seasoned reputation, then behave like one of the handicaps.

Were you born this infuriating?""It's taken me years of practice.

No one can know your strength and weakness better than yourself.

Can you be serious for two words?""Not without effort.

Lion dies with hungry but never eats grass

I think if there was a boarding school for personality makeovers, you'd probably get a scholarship.

I smile more when people confused, why he is smiling.

I smile more when people think 'I am fool

Sometimes you must agree with someones opinion for the sake of being polite and modest, but within you, you know that you are not foolish and crazy.

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

Wow. This place looks classy. The smell of fertilizer and rot is really in this season. Remind me, what are we doing here?” she asked looking at him with a coy smile. “Did we come for bait?

My friend says she's smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.

Sooner or later everyone behaves badly. Some of us are just better at it than others.

The departed souls shall never return.

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For... being you.''I'm pretty good at being me, ' I said. 'I've had all these years to practice--I hardly ever get it wrong these days.

Welcome, welcomePlease feel welcomedWelcome, oh welcomeWe are pleased to have you here.

Plot twist: everything goes exactly as planned.

Edwin is prepared to believe that a glass exists. And further, that this glass holds liquid.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I can help you.” He finalised.“How?” Both Jezka and Faze asked.“I don’t know but it's nice to sound optimistic, wouldn’t you agree.

If you're optimistic, think of it as bronze.

You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?

Optimism: That effervescent, blindingly- bright, perky, chipper,  twittering quality you want to squash out of annoying people.

There's something amazing about humor and laughter. It broadens your perspective.

I couldn't have done 16 months of deployment without a sense of irony. N

Life makes fun of us and we should help it.

I had this dream about you. We went hunting up in the mountains and I caught a unicorn. You told me now I know how it feels to be you.

After 25 the only thing you’ll be precocious at is death.

I'm a kindhearted but highly competitive pragmatist. When I seek to win something, I always make certain it's never at the expense of anything more serious than the inadequate efforts of others.

Dreams are fragile. Reality is a clumsy postman.

Decide the type of person you want to be, and when others aren’t looking, unique up on them.

Desire to be thin grows bigger and bigger. As does my appetite.

A paradox is a storm that rains on itself.

No matter where you go, there you are.

Time changes nothing, girl, but the size of your underwear. . .and hopefully your hairdo.