Funny Quotes

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink.

The point of the list wasn't just to tick items off and forget about them, it was to learn something new.

I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

I see that even as the world plunges into darkness and peril, you two stand around discussing your love lives. Teenagers.

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

I am who I am and I am who I was, and I am who I will always be!

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.

If you fall, I'll be the there

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

I don't believe in God, don't believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan's sister, I suppose.

Beware of finding what you're lookin

I know my rights.""And I know you're wrong.

Could he actually be a decent guy?Hard to imagine.He was pretty to look at, though, she thought. Boys weren't objectified nearly enough, and turnabout is always fair play.

I never thought it was fair that anatomy decided what my brain was fit for.

Miniature Emilie came along. Lincoln could tell she was watching him, but he tried not to encourage her. He didn't want to betray Beth. They wouldn't let you ride Splash Mountain, he thought.

Once a sarriyal, always a sarriyal, she thought.

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

Hmmm... that's interesting.""What?""There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

Sqwaak!" from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood.

[Ella] “Again, I ask, whose side are you on?”[Lola] “The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion.

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon--You deserve to be taken out of circulation!

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.

My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm you were the quickest.

I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.

My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.

she: Before we got married you told me you were well-off. he: I was and I didn't know it.

Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Never follow the crowd....Until and unless you're crossing the road...

She's better than Netflix.

I laugh because your pain is amusing.

Being a pumpkinhead is great.""Your HEAD is a PUMPKIN.

hornier than a bunny on ecstasy

Agatha: "If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home."Sophie: "But then I can't talk!

But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself then my body wouldn't be the thing you walked away thinking about. I wouldn't be that fat girl.

I am always acting, be at a party, at work or in office. My attitude changes from meeting to meeting, from being serious to intense to funny, depending on who is in the room.

I got to work with Rachel Dratch, and she just had such a funny, roll-with-it attitude when she would approach the stage and could turn anything into a gem.

I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy.

There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny.

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.