Funny Quotes

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

As one would expect, the Pope’s schedule is quite disciplined—he wakes up at four o’clock each morning and runs on the treadmill for an hour. I’m totally kidding. Nobody’s knees have time for that.

For a being more advanced than I am, he sure has a hard time answering a simple question

Thanks liver... you are a champ!

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

We bask in the scent of cinnamon beforeMom puts a scone her plate.'His name is Rich, ' she says.I select a scone too.'I like a man with an adjective for a name.

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids.

Man, Grandma, what big hair you have.""The better to style with, my dear.

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.

She’s a lunatic, ” says Conrad.“Absolutely insane, ” says Guntram.“Either completely fearless or utterly stupid, ” says Conrad.“She’s going to fit right in, ” says Guntram.

He's wrong he's so he's so wrong he's more wrong than an upside-down rainbow.

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you, " Garrett joked.

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? - Sir Nicholas de Mimsy

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

Um..." I mumbled, "We wait.""What? Wait? Do you expect them to just come up here to the beach to get some moonlight?" He sneered as he took another bite of the eagle.

...She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash."From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened.

Eat clean to stay fit, have a burger to stay sane.

If life is unfair with everyone, doesn’t that make life fair

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

I'd like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts" -Warm Bodies

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

It is observed that Failed people can give a successful talk on hardwork.

It's been nice knowing you, Clara.'Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.'Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin. Because I'm pretty sure my parents are going to kill me

What the heck kind of name was Sir?

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen>

Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three.....and so on.Nesta

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

Shit down your computer, and restart.

There is no such complicated situation which people could not make more complicated.

Life is not complex at all when we do not think about it.

The main proof that you actually do not exist is that nobody ever criticizes you.

Can we at least avoid the cannibals? I prefer not to vomit when screaming for my life.

How ’bout you take this Cajun injector here, ” I say, gripping the steel rod in his shorts, “and give me a shot of protein instead.

Is there any difference between a happy and a lucky man? A happy is someone who finds an oasis with drinking water in a desert. A lucky man will always find water.

By studying human history, we can realize how much of human stupidity has fallen on fertile ground. Is gravity guilty for such an occurrence too?

To smile sincerely is acceptable after making mistakes – that is the best way to feel cheerful and repeat the same mistakes.

If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.

I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Fabreze

Forgive my brother, " Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present.

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance.

Now I am shut up with his mother on Bramble farm and she is no better for conversation than prune whip