Funny Quotes

I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.

I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee.

Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.""I didn't mean no harm, " I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?""Ah! Changing the subject, you coward.

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.

The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

I threw my hand over my mouth and blurted out the first best excuse I could come up with, “Morning breath!

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing...

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

I believe books should be like a prime rib steak ~ good and thick.

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

Trust me, there are things in this mountain that will make your jaw bounce off the floor.

It's funny, leaving a place, ain't it?" he said. "You never do know when you'll get back.

You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?

All pomp and show.” Anjali’s glare at the house would’ve exploded bricks if she’d had superhuman powers. “A fat cow needs a big barn.

Heaven’s Bakery help them all.

If my mom sees you here, she’ll ---“ “Paper the walls with my innards while the innocents watch?

I was just wondering how long we were going to pretend like we annoyed each other before we started sleeping together.

You should seriously get a job planning dates for The Bachelor.

Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

Moving on was going to require leaving the woods and getting a friend set that didn’t have gray hairs, hip replacements and a few false teeth.

I can walk... see."I made my legs walk."What are you doing?""Vertical walkin'."Alec laughed. "Pitch Perfect?""Amazin' film.

Oh, so your middle finger has a mind of its own then?" Alex asked with an amused look.I glared at him and said, "Yeah, and she was just sticking up for me

I pulled back and stared up into his eyes. "You're gettin' very deep on me."Alec's hands gripped my behind. "I'll be getting very deep in you if you keep looking at me like that

Heya, Arlene. What’s shakin’?” Cotton greeted.“Don’t shift some of this weight, everything, ” Arlene replied.

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan, Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I’d thought about him in his underwear.Much.

I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.”“Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

You dance?”“I think that might be overly optimistic, ” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

Err:510

What your mind sees when you close your eyes marks the entrance to an endless universe: your imagination.

...seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so...twat-ish just then.

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third?

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.