Comedy Quotes

I didn't get to God by effort or title, I got there by invitation. God can lift you quickly if you let Him. He really cares.

Being married or being in a close relationship is not based on how quickly you can get offended but on how you are ready to drop the offences, get over it and move ahead.

Before Marriage opposite attracts, after marriage opposite attacks☺. Just telling you the truth.

God takes two and make them one but satan takes one and make it two.

There is a throne up there and someone is sitting on it. It is not you, the economy or your government. My God is still on the throne and I shall not worry.

My faith gives me the ability to say, whatever is next, I'm ready. If it is Hillary or Trump I am ready because they might sit on the desk but they do not sit on the throne.

You don't have to feel grateful in order to be grateful.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

We usually learn from debates that we seldom learn from debates.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.

I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.

I had a dream about you last night... you were there.

I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it.

I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming 'I'm melting.

I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.

I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.

I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.

I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.

I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy.

I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.

I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.

I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming "the words, the what could have been beautiful words.

I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.

I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.

Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self

Are you real?” Stupid. Of course he’s real.“Yes, Julie. I’m not the mystical man from your dreams.

The Dictionary defines Soul Mate as: A person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. Before I met mine, I didn't know I was bonkers!

Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.

All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.

Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be.

Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.

Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter.

It's funny how the ugly duckling always has so many beautiful things to teach us.

Good plan, " Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.