Comedy Quotes
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..
aren't you, uh... reproducing?"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.
Remind me, " he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?
If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.
Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.
Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers we get Aquatruck.
How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it.
Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?"Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.
Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.
Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care.
She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.
Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.
Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day, " Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.
However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.
I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.
Oh, there you are, Albus, ' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?''No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines, ' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.
What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again."Halos, " I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us.""That might be a stretch.
Can the sarcasm, ' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.
What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name
Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.
How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!
Daemon!" Dee called from the kitchen. "I need your help!""We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen." He rubbed his hands down his face. "It's possible.
I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)
Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat
Wait a second, " Clary said."I never understand why people say that, " Luke said, to no one in particular. "I wasn't going anywhere.
You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.
Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.
I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.
The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.
I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.
It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride
Are you in a suit?' I managed at last, my voice choking up. 'You didn’t have to dress up for me.''Quiet, Sage, ' he said. 'I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue.
Mal snickered. "What's so funny?""I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him.
This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.
Why are you wearing a T-shirt under your other T-shirt?" Livvy asked."In case one of them is stolen, " Marked said, as it were entirely normal.
Me neither, ” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all, ” Amelie said.
My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.