Comedy Quotes

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war, " Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that, ” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Normal" is just a setting on your dryer.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

You look angry, " he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me, " she said very, very slowly, "on hold.

If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.

Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough.

I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

If one million of you give assent to the one thousand who participate in the murder of a child, then one million of you are a million times guilty.

No crime is a means to an end. No crime can be rationalized.

If one thousand of you participate in the murder of one child, then one thousand of you are a thousand times guilty.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey

You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution on some teenaged love story? I can't believe this.

Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.

We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell.

It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry.

Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.

Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.

gray hair is gods graffiti

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.

I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.

It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.

GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not like to ask for directions. Now if women could only come with relationship GPS we would be one step closer to world peace.

Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.

Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.

Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

You don´t need a stage to prove that you´re a bad speaker.

I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.