Comedy Quotes

I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Fabreze

Forgive my brother, " Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present.

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance.

Now I am shut up with his mother on Bramble farm and she is no better for conversation than prune whip

I need the ting but not ting ting ting

At this moment, I know that the answer has to be yes. I am defeated. By my own father. How Darth Vader.

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.

That's what gets converts these days, " Baron said. "It's a buyers' market in apocalypse. What's hot in heresy's Armageddon.

Yer a wizard, Harry!

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so your

being funny is actually all about thinking "what if ?" in a creative way.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won’t argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from.

If God had a wife He would be in just as much trouble as any man.

Happy COUPLES are those who have passed both chemistry and physics!

Life and death played out before my very eyes. You don't see these things if you clean your room regularly.

If you have time today, so let's show you some strange stone.

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

Boyfriend?”Her cheeks heated. “Yes.”“Funny name.”“What?” She frowned. “Ernest is a perfectly nice name.”“Oh, I thought I heard you call him Ermine.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

Hell freezing over? I don't know. But the devil's definitely wearing a sweater.

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

I wish you well - if you will die. May you rest in peace.

I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do.

If I were married, I would be unmarried.

so funny how i was so desperate triiying to reach to this point ...and now i have nothing to said im symple out of words, , ,

Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them.

Climate change is like my head: it’s not visible in every instance, but I’m pretty darn sure it’s there.

I like cats. They don't care if you love Jesus.

I enlarge the photo again. Nope, too blurry

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.

That you exist, is offense enough to arrest you.

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!

In theory, especially in the case of Stone, those who have human hearts would remain cognizant of their behavior and in control of themselves. Those who are Katagaria . . .

Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law.

Without setbacks there'd be no comebacks, and everyone loves a come.

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it's biodegradable.

Christmas without a murder plot is like a day without giant spiders eaten orphans" (quote on my special gift holiday mugs)

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.

I hope the next time you get a double-decker strawberry ice-cream cone the ice cream part falls off the cone and lands in Australia.

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.

You arrogant little snot (John Hammond)

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.”“Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

Girls are like Pokemon, it doesn't matter how good you are, you can't catch any if you don't have any balls.

If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old.