Comedy Quotes

Anything you say can and will be used against you, so only say my name.

I just don't— Ronan. My ears are bleeding!"Ronan turned down the music.

Ah, yes, the mix tape. The mating call of the introvert.

I want my rockstars dead.

Self-publishing a shitty book doesn't make you an author any more than singing in the shower makes you a rockstar or squeezing your pimple makes you a dermatologist.

In the Belgian backwaters, south of Bruges, there lives a reclusive English composer, named Vyvyan Ayrs. You won’t have heard of him because you’re a musical oaf, but he’s one of the greats.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hideI smell the blood of a petty little coward

There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth.

Take care of your car in the garage, and the car will take care of you on the road.

Among all the machines, motorcar is my favorite machine.

I am so obsessed with the cars that sometimes I feel like my heart is not a muscle, it's an engine.

I love the wheels, I mean steering wheel.

When I opened the door, Andrew was standing there like a remedy for heart palpitations. Or maybe he made them worse. It was hard to tell.

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but... why not get a bigger dog and bite them back?

Some people fight fire with fire. I've found water to be more effective.

I don't believe in virgin sacrifice. It encourages promiscuity at an early age

It would seem very silly to start a conversation with a common hedgehog. They are not at all like cats, who surely understand the human language.

Someday my prince will come, ” she lamented softly, “too fast.

I… I can’t. I wish I were a little bolder.”“What for?” the Hatter asked. “Being a small rock wouldn’t be much fun.

There's no such thing as a limit on being the best. You can always go for more. That's what it means to be human. No... That's what it means to be me. - Claire Stanfield

Normally, she would never wish a head injury on anyone, but it might make her days in Archival Studies a bit easier.

Do you mean that Zane is some kind of bird magnet?

Are you educated in the art of medicine?” Yeah, the art of Walgreens and Urgent Care. “A bit, ” I hedged.

Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.

My own brother calling me a brickhead. Sneering faeries insulting me. Women punching me in the face. How much more am I to swallow in one bloody day?

In the void, there is no distinction of east and west."Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean.

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive.

Err on the side of awesome.

The Decision...I wiped my hands on my pinaforenow sullied and stainednot crisp or pressedas it had been before...

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

The only way to get the ending you want is to write your own story.

I hate goblins.

He had to die someday too. He might do it on sheets with a six-hundred-plus thread count, but he'd die just the same. Death wouldn't forget about him.

The first thing you lose when you die is your motor skills.

You are only Half Happy unless you love them both equally: Friday & Monday!

Are you kidding me? The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

Family is not a career. It’s why you have a career. If you can’t be there for the big moments, then why are you doing it?

Scientist say that music can change the speed of a heartbeat. They failed to add: so can a text message.

Because that's the truth about people with obsessively organised plans: we're not trying to control everything in our lives. We're trying to block everything we can't.

A family is a group of people who keep confusing you with someone you were as a kid.

Marathon tidying produces a heap of garbage. At this stage, the one disaster that can wreak more havoc than an earthquake is the entrance of that recycling expert who goes by the alias of "mother.

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

I think therefore I am not sure.