Comedy Quotes

Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh, ” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .”“No. What a horrible thought.”“Exactly.

Try not to trip, " she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."I groaned. That would be just like me - ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.

Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do, " I muttered.

You guys dated, didn’t you?”“Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.

Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.

so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.

I live on shameless flattery...and vodka...but the two usually go hand in hand.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain.

You want me to be a man, older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable, " said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson.""Lake and Palmer?""Ralph and Waldo.

That explains a lot, ' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.

It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me!

Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade."You got someone better coming over?" Wade asked him."Pizza, " Tag said.

Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard...

What part of Canada are you from, honey?""THE LEFT PART, " said Jay.

Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn't been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

Now how do I access Google?”Was he serious? “Why do you need Goog

...that was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been. —Enid Healy

When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy.Matthew laughed and dropped it.

Have they built cities on the moon?" another boy asked hopefully."We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.

Through lightest dark or darkest light, You dont need no bling to join the fight. We're mercs with mouths and so much more, Yippee-ki-yay, we're the Deadpool Corps!

I'm leaving the door partly open, " he says as he follows Tegan. "You scream if you need me."Once he is outside, Richard says, "He does realize that if he hears your scream, it's already too late.

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.

It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you're human popcorn

This is Simba, " Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous?" Asked Chase."Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much.

Hey, A-D-D, ” she called out to Claire, “come over and try these on.

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks, " I said to Ziggy."I'll try, " Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

After this, I can't resist. "Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide.

I saw you put rice in a toaster once, " said Mae. "I was there when made the tin of beans explode.""It was faulty, " Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. " I am sure of this.

What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo.

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.

...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?" - Aunt Edna

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...

Smartass Disciple: Why men don't ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It'd be too risky for them.

What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce me?

We're too different now. We want different things. And this?" I say nodding at our hands. "All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off

Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich and famous.' and Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Yes, when the moon is made of green cheese.

I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope, ” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.

Owl love you forever

She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.

He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.""He's always taking something - generally food.