And Quotes

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

Sometimes desire is air, sometimes desire is liquid. And every now and then, when everything else is air and liquid, desire solidifies, and the body is the magnet that draws its weight.

I learn about the highs and lows of living with the same mother for your entire life, about how no one can make you angrier, but how you can't really love anyone more.

I should talk to him I know I should talk to him. But I do not talk to him. I watch after him from afar and love him.

Love is so painful, how could you ever wish it on anybody? And love is so essential, how could you ever stand in its way?

I'm interested in how artists and writers do this, using art as therapy. Escaping into the worlds we create. We're all victims and few of us are truly free.

Books are growing more honest at a younger age, and the world is becoming less warm and fuzzy. Or at least the monsters are out in the open.

Well, I've been blessed with good hair, or at least some people think it is. It is the way it is, sort of does what it wants to. So, yeah, I guess it is [a metaphor for your views on art and life].

Writing is probably one-fifth coming up with the stuff, and four-fifths self-editing again and again and again.

Even though Brazil has been up and down and had some difficulties, it's still a very big country, and a very important country. It's got the fourth largest domestic market in the world.

Once you decide not to worry about that stuff anymore, dating and relationships and love and all that, it's like you're free to get on with real life.

…she was discovering once again that reading and writing were not the same — you couldn't just soak it up then squeeze it out again.

I enjoy reality as much as the next man. It's just that in my case, fortunately, reality includes a good stiff belt every now and then.

I make every movie and every scene like it could be my last. That's the only way I know how to make cinema that stands on its feet. I have to treat it like that. It has to be life and death stakes.

Lazy and superficial men and women do not produce superior work.

What we've tried to do is have neighbors, colleagues, friends and family talking.

In books and movies infidelity always looks so compelling, so right. Here are people who defy petty convention and are rewarded with only the tastiest bits of human experience.

I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death.

We tiptoed the tops of beaver dams, hopped hummocks, went wading, looked at spring flowers, tried to catcha snake, got lost and found. How fine it was to move at a meandery, child's pace.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

I decided I would rather have a day job and love music than to play music that made me hate it.

Food is the most important influence on your health. It is even more important than your thoughts and emotions.

No, I don't, like, play an instrument or anything.I'm just...well, you saw me at the beginning there. I was the guy that fell down and died.

I would love to work with Adam Sandler. Because then all I'd have to do is just turn the camera on and off.

If you feel like you want to die, it's time to sit down and make a list of all the things you haven't done yet.

I'm not a song and dance man, so you're not going to see me on Glee anytime soon. If you want that show to continue, keep me far away from it.

She'd been acutely aware that terror, betrayal, and cruelty had a human face, but she had not sufficiently appreciated that courage, kindness, and love had a human face as well.

Rock and roll is a misconception. It should no longer be a term for music.

I think, actually, that rock and roll is a misconception. It should no longer be a term for music.

But although she was with family and friends, she'd never felt more alone. She felt as if she'd lost a vital part of herself and she had - her heart.

Strive not for perfection..but for lives and loves that matter.

Acting is somewhat mysteriously taught. There are so many different methods and systems and processes for teaching acting because it will always be an elusive art-form.

Birth is a bittersweet event ... a place where heaven and earth collide in a perplexing clash of hopes, dreams, facts, fears, questions, and expectations.

E.T.' was a healing movie; it was a heart movie. It was all about getting about getting home and love.

To be in touch with yourself requires great sensitivity to everything that's going on here and now.

When we harness the natural force of harmony, joy, and love, we create success and good fortune with effortless ease.

Eat, breathe, meditate and love and you're all set

The physical body is conceived and constructed in consciousness as are time and space. All happens within our self.

The cosmos is structured to bring about growth, and growth is always in the direction of greater love and happiness.

The highest intention comes from love and compassion ... when our intentions come from a place of love and compassion then we have the power of the universe.

Every day, take some time to meditate and cultivate inner quiet. Then ask yourself what I call the "soul questions": Who am I? What do I want? What is the purpose and meaning of my life?

Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt - they falsely color your reality.

I've never been one to look at numbers or think about stuff like that. The only numbers I worry about are wins and losses-that's always been my biggest priority.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

If ever anybody dedicated his whole life to the "enthusiasm for truth and justice" using this phrase in the good sense it was Diderot.

Kids are incredibly expensive. But it pays off later when they are better educated, bigger, and better-looking than you. And find you incessantly boring and uncool.

It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'

I'm born and raised in the Northeast. My parents are Irish immigrants. So our tendency is to shy away from the big yellow ball that comes up in the sky every once in a while.