Will Ferguson Quotes

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

I wanted to be a rock star.

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.