Will Ferguson Quotes

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

Great, as long as you're happy

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.

The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

I'm careful with money.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.