Louis C.K. Quotes

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?

Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.

I was an awkward kid.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.