Jon Stewart Quotes

By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government

I can only fight back in a way that I feel like I'm talented.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists.

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

I have become increasingly unnerved by the depth of corruption that exists at many different levels. I'm less upset with politicians than [with] the media.

If you smell something, say something.

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.

Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'.

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.

I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part."

We have standards. Anybody with the kind of journalism experience and professionalism that you have displayed over these years can not work for my program.

The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.

Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.

What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?

The Republicans are calling the Democrats' plan to have a deadline for US troop withdrawal from Iraq an 'admission of failure', as opposed to the Republican plan which is 'failure without admission'.

The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.

I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness.

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild.

Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer.

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.

Here it is. My moment of zen.

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.

No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.