George Burns Quotes
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
