Garrison Keillor Quotes

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now let me, by night or day, Be just as full of truth as they.

Give up your good 'Christian' life and follow Jesus

I don't want them to be told to remember me.

America of the future will be all malls connected by interstates. All because your parents no longer can their own tomatoes.

In the end, all solutions are temporary.

Give guilt - the gift that lasts forever.

Honesty is a rare commodity in a palace, and that is why so many fairy-tale marriages end up on the rocks.

My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.

Majestic doesn't appeal to us. We [Americans] like the Grand Canyon better with Clarence and Arlene parked in front of it, smiling.

The great unrequited love tears open your heart to the beauty of the world, its small rivers and upland meadows. It also makes you kinder to the next hundred thousand persons who cross your path.

Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

Winter: It's not just a season, it's who we are.

Some of us have a relentless urge to attempt what we can never be good at and neglect our true calling.

She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.

Ralph Stanley is like an uncle to us and now that all my uncles are gone, Ralph's singing is even more precious. This album of classic folk songs is one of his best.

I loved feeling special. I hated feeling special.

Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door

The majority of people who keel over dead at concerts are killed by a long trumpet passage.

... I never was one to get upset about a few scratches on a motor vehicle, it is meant to be used, not saved.

Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns] just as we once killed the buffalo.

Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Take care of your friends. Because there will come a time when you'll be no good to anyone, and the only reason for people to talk to you will be sheer habit.

A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.

Your car, comfort though it be, this little den and dining room on wheels, is a prison that deadens your senses, and to feel wholly alive you must go for a walk.

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.

Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.

I grew up in a fundamentalist protestant family that stressed that we were a select people and so we were to avoid contact with others who did not share our faith.

Nothing that readers say or do strikes me as a nuisance. Anyone who cracks open a book of mine is, to me, a gem.

It's confidence; it has to be something good about getting old. One of the things is that you just don't stress about some stuff that made you so worried.

I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself.

I write on a laptop, so it's impossible to count drafts anymore.

You don't want to get that sort of sound in your writing that boing that gives you away.

I like to sing and it's just really fun to sing, and I don't get too much. And at my house I'm not allowed to because, you know, your children can't stand it when you sing at home.

When you come to expect humor of people, you will never get it.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

Don't worry about the past and don't try to figure out the future

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

What would people think?'Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart.'Oh, ' said Grandpa.

That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.