Dave Barry Quotes
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.
I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.
As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.
The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.
As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
